Stone Protectors (SNES)

Remember Troll dolls?

trollsThese bizarre little things have actually been around since the 1960’s. Despite their somewhat ugly appearance, they remained popular well into the 90’s. It seemed everyone had at least one Troll, but the dolls still mainly appealed to girls. Throughout the 90’s, there were numerous attempts to market the Trolls towards boys, with limited success. One such attempt was Stone Protectors.

Stone Protectors001Jesus Christ. Basically, what they did here was stick the creepy Troll heads on beefy superhero bodies. Stone Protectors was yet another attempt at creating a successful franchise like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but it failed. The TV series lasted only 13 episodes, and the toyline languished on store shelves. Despite this, the series got a video game for some reason, released in 1994.

Stone Protectors003Stone Protectors’ storyline was your basic 90’s fare… a rock band finds five magical stones that give them special powers and turns them into ugly troll people. They then battle the Saurians, these goblins who hate music or something I DON’T KNOW. It’s stupid.

Stone Protectors002The game offers two-player co-op, and all five of the Stone Protectors are playable. Dear God, look at those designs. It’s like Vanilla Ice vomited all over the Street Sharks.

Stone Protectors004Stone Protectors005The game is your basic beat-em-up, so it’s surprisingly playable. You’ve got three attack buttons and a special attack, but it’s a bit odd in that it seems only the kick can be used in the air.

Stone Protectors009The combat is monotonous and repetitive, but satisfying nonetheless. It’s functional, and certainly not as bad as you would expect from such a stupid franchise. The levels do feel like they go on a bit too long, though.

Stone Protectors013There’s weapons, too, ranging from flamethrowers to hockey sticks. They’re pretty rare compared to most beat-em-ups, and don’t even seem to work all the time.

Stone Protectors020There’s not really much else to say about Stone Warriors. It’s… fine. I actually kind of wish it was awful just so I could say more about it. It’s a way better game than the series deserves, but it’s really nothing special… there’s far better beat-em-ups out there for the SNES.

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About Dinosaur Pirate

Is he a dinosaur? Or a pirate. Neither. BOTH.
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