You’d think that a beat-em-up game would be a pretty easy thing to get right. I mean, there’s no shortage of fantastic ones out there… Dungeons & Dragons: Shadow Over Mystara, Turtles in Time, and the Simpsons, to name a few. But naturally, leave it to Blizzard to fuck everything up.
Ugh. So, if you’re a comic book fan, you’re no doubt familiar with the infamous Death of Superman saga, in which Superman was apparently killed by the monstrous ‘oomsday.
Of course, Superman didn’t stay dead for long, and all in all it all boiled down to a crock of shit. DC saw fit to have Blizzard make a game based on the saga, because apparently they had such a fantastic track record. They were also responible for the tepid Justice League Task Force, though that came later.
So, what exactly is wrong with the game? Well, for one thing, Superman doesn’t translate well to video games in the first place. After all, he’s so ridiculously powerful that it’s hard to figure out just what to do with him. Superman can fly, has super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, heat vision, freezing breath, invulnerability, super hearing, and basically whatever else he pulls out of his ass. Putting all of this into a game and making it balanced would be tricky, so I guess the only option was to put in none of it.
Oh, he can fly, sure. And he has his heat vision (which is practically useless), but that’s about it as far as I can tell. You still spend most of the time on the ground, moving slow as molasses and punching everything that moves, because quality.
Of course, they need to have an elevator segment right off the bat to remind you that this is a beat-em-up, and of course, it sucks. I really hope you like fighting only 3 or so enemies over and over again in each stage, because you’re sure as hell going to be doing a lot of that. Repetition is sort of a necessary evil when it comes to beat-em-ups… even the best of them suffer from it from time to time. But holy shit is this monotonous. Superman should not be having this much trouble dealing with generic minions, but y’know… QUALITY.
The first boss is Clawster. Remember him? No? Good.
So the second stage introduces Doomsday. Glad to see they wasted no more time then they had to, at least.
And of course, stage 2 is filled with the most generic punks and ruffians the 90’s had to offer. With names like “Chainsaw” and “Molotov”, no less. Wonderful. I hope you like fighting them, because they make up about 90% of the stage.
Before long, you face Doomsday for the first time, and he’s possibly one of the easiest bosses in video game history. Just keep punching him… he can’t do shit. However, he’s only the mid-boss… there’s a LOT more generic punks to follow.
The REAL stage boss is… Doomsday, again. Y’know, I’m not really sure what the rest of the game is like, because this is where I stopped giving a shit. I severely doubt it gets better from here. To this day, there still hasn’t really been a good stand-alone Superman game… thankfully, this is far from the worst.
Oh my god.